my boyfriend's family uses him

It sounds like maybe someone let them in, but my hope is that an angry-calm If you dont get out of my house, Im calling the police, would be effective anyway. If you start going to the bad anxious place, you can finish your response when you feel a little more solid. I mean this in both senses. Accept that its not going to improve. Catherine Falls Commercial/Getty Images. It gets better. Im worse by their metric. I still see him from time to time, and weve got to the stage where we can reminisce about the good times and have fun catching up. That gaslighting and etc isnt just Something Evil-Bad-People do, but its also something that People do and they wont even realize theyre doing it because thats the way they see the world. ** le sigh **. Who cares, I barely know her, whatever. He said nice things to me and he called me on my bullshit in a non-assholish way. Sorry. My sister spent ten years in an abusive relationship, trying to change herself so that it would work. When someone is crying in front of you about how theyre cool with the worst side of your behavior continuing at that point I knew I just had to go. 1. Im sorry if Im just stating the obvious or rehashing stuff thats been rehashed so often its more re than hash, but it was a real stumbling block for me! In my view the Captains suggested break time is WAY too low. There's a blurry line between attentiveness and pressure. The harm to me was too great, and was taking me well below reasonably okay. But his anxiety means Im not allowed to Use My Words, and they are not hint-picker-uppers, so nothing will ever improve between us. We are busy doing this time-based activity that cannot be put off We are visiting someone We have an appointment, Step 3: Time restrictions we can come for a short time But we dont owe each other the rest of our lives as payment.. I dont want to pile on about leaving your fiance, but try imagining these two scenarios: its five years from now, and you and a good friend meet up for coffee. I honestly breathe a sigh of relief that hes no longer my SO, and at the time we were together I never thought Id say that. Maybe he will never be able to fully stand up to them on his own behalf or on yours. You can maintain separate circles of connections. That was in the bad old days when jobs could be advertised according to gender, when women couldnt get credit without their husbands permission, and so on. So, this is me and what Ive done about it: My husband is wonderful and I love the hell out of him but he has not always been fantastic about setting boundaries with his mother, who has been pretty damn nasty to me in the past. HE needs to wean himself out of the family, immerse himself in good friends, a supportive partner, working for the life he wants to build. Some of the people I met that way became lifelong friends. Sometimes they are still crappy and snarky. seconded. Parents wouldnt have to redo stuff Id done if I just would learn their (read The Right) way to do stuff. I have been actively been working on this stuff with my partner (lets call him Partner) and his mother for about a year now, including my own long-running therapy and (at long last) couples therapy too. Or not being nice enough. The love and help you got from him is also not an obligation to be with him. Can he accept limits that include No home invasions, No taking advantage of me, No tolerance of thievery (I suspect that has already happened to you though) and No lending them money? My fathers family badmouthed my mother to me and told me they were sure I wouldnt turn out to be as terrible as her. Seriously, I read your letter and I could see my family doing all the things you mentioned and more. Ive had lots of therapy, after all). If she made friends with someone who wasnt white, theyd spend month spewing racist rhetoric until she felt obligated to stop hanging out with them and bringing them around or until the friend got fed up and cut her off. (To be fair, I wouldnt have hung out with them anyway.) I know you said money was tight, in which case you might want to look into programs aimed at sexual assault survivors or women experiencing domestic abuse. This is a problem you have with your partner, and youve been given some eminently reasonable and constructive scripts with which to approach him. This is *NOT* saying that one should endure or accept abusive behavior, and for many people, it is possible to find a non-abusive second family that is not blood related. Which led in turn to both of us scarcely seeing MIL for almost 2.5 years. I dont have a solution for it, and neither does Partner. They are not nice people. So would [anyone] screaming at me and forbidding me from speaking in his home and [my partner] not telling his father that screaming at me and forbidding me from speaking in his home was unacceptable, regardless of what the father was upset about. Be realistic and kind to yourself when deciding what you would be willing to accept as the price of admission, and assume that every problem action youve listed is not going to get better over time: if youre not willing to accept dealing with a thing for the next 40 years, then dont put it in the bucket of things youre willing to deal with. It has helped her understand how I wish to be treated, while also helping her understand that Im not FORCING her to behave like that- its just my condition for being around her. I apologize if this has been said before. Let him go off to his family things. Because I have hope, I can wait and see how my relationship with my partner and her family improves. You have no obligation to be nice, respectful, or otherwise positive towards his family or friends. Basically, shes over here, the idea of leaving him is waaaay over there (on the other side of a great chasm), and she just cant conceive of herself getting over there. Partners family was not verbally abusive of me directly, it was all very passive-aggressive. You can, if you want, give him time to cool off and come back to the conversation. If he cannot then your fiscal, emotional and even physical well being will always be threatened and you need to decide now if you can live with that or not. During this time I remember my husband saying to me I just dont think Ill ever be able to get on with her, we are at best only ever going to be between fights. And I have to say I was sure he was right (obviously very painful for him). Theres also only the very smallest chance that his family will ever change their behaviour its very likely, from my experience, that they either dont know what theyre doing is unforgivable, or just dont care. I think thats going to be a huge clue as to how much you can do to make your life better with him and the horrible people. (I am a classic abandoned gay child, by the way; not that this excuses anything in fact, coming out was a relief as it gave me an excuse for never interacting with them ever again.). And I am very fortunate to have a large and supportive group of friends. I imagine it as Kobe and Lebron practicing together before the Olympics: obviously they are already good at basketball, but they have to practice doing all their skills together to become a successful team. I mostly get on OK with most of his family, however I just do not get on with his younger sister, who is extremely aggressive and socially awkward and who likes to take over every family meeting to talk LOUDLY about herself and make racist and homophobic comments.Anyway, my issue with her is more that she has said very hurtful and insulting comments to me, including that I am only with my bf for his money, comments about my weight, policing what I eat in family dinners, at one stage she even made nasty jokes about my sex life with my bf (yes she talks about her brothers sex life and yes that is FUCKING CREEPY) etc. LW, my Big Serious Important Partner was even a gaslighter, like yours. We were on-again off-again for over 3 years. Hes stabbing you in the front like the rest of them, Im sorry to say. that helped me over time to both deal with my abuse in a healthier way and to become more introspective and careful of my own behavior. I, sadly, am in possession of a Family With Issues (though to a far lesser degree than this), and I can only say they suck. It is entirely possible that the two of you can set things right. (She also wouldve been happy to do couples counseling, but hes housebound and she didnt make house calls.) Do you think it will get better? And my husband would literally go along with making plans for me about strategies and boundaries and techniques to deal with it and then just. Early on, I contemplated moving. Hes blamed me for provoking his father into screaming at me (apparently, by having a private conversation with a different person in a different room which he then inserted himself into). Luck and therapy was on our side. I dated a real jerk in high school. At first bf was very upset about this, I think because he just cannot cope with criticism of his family and he still thinks I am over-reacting about Obnoxious Sister, but he did listen while I explained why her comments upset me and why I dont think I was just joking is an excuse. . This just sounds like a hellish situation. I think the way my husbands mom interacts me versus Nikki has little to do with any differences between the two of us, but a lot to do with her different relationships with her sons. Is abuse, straight up. He has x positive quality and z positive quality. Sticking by and being supportive and patient when your partner is having a tough time isnt a factory add on or a customization. I just hate sounding like a nagging commenter. The prize? Deputies . But it may . So is there anyone in your partners life in the same circle as the toxic people that thinks this conflict is out of hand, and that respects and understands boundaries? After I broke up with BSIP two and half years ago, I dated a few men casually and a few men more seriously. If he doesnt, please dont let yourself be abused. I walked into our bedroom to find one of his drunk friends PEEING IN MY CLOSET. I was shocked to discoverthrough reflection following this conversation, and through therapythat in fact my BSIP was one of the Things Going Wrong, that his own choices and behaviors were wedged between me and the love I thought we could have. But shes not done trying; she said so. LW needs to let partner know that they can have both. This same aunt and cousin have alienated almost all of the other family members too we were among the last to get the memo. My friend I mention, who is married has decided to (long ago) to no partake in anything his family have to offer, which is fuck all! Cripes! But since that doesnt seem like it will happen, here is my suggestion: Have the conversation in writing, either via email (instant messagestoo close to real-time conversation) or with paper letters. 5. With no words, what do you see happening in this relationship ? I dont mean to be condescending as you may have thought quite a lot about this as youve worked on recovery from abuse. Its not all sunshine and roses (what relationship is?) Ohai fellow Shakers! The couple talk over what to do if they have kids regarding whether and how the kids will meet the grandparents, and when and if kids arrive, they stick to the agreed rules. Theyre actually awful to him too (their whole dynamic is pretty awful), and hes acknowledged that they do bad things and are responsible for them and he wants to not have those things done at him any more. (My sisters especially made excuses for my father. Still, boo WP/spam filter. If so, under what circumstances? Just like my parents still have me kind of convinced that disliking gift giving because its inefficient or actually enjoying non-frosted shredded wheat is probably normal (its not, right? (Unless I suppose you are a brain-retraining professional who has agreed to try that, which means NOT a friend, family member, or romantic partner.) The relationship finally ended when I moved, got a new group of friends, and started seeing someone else (all of this happened in a very short period of time). Only you know if there has been any progress. Babies, while amazing, are pretty fucking stressful, and will put *a lot* of strain on your relationship.. Incidentally, my future MIL was treated much like this by her in-laws and perhaps partly because of the difficulty she had, she absolutely *rocks* as a mother-in-law. Theyd badmouth and be rude to all her friends. It was, however, the point at which I realized that no matter how nicely or intellectually or fairly I told them how I felt, nothing would ever change until they were ready to change themselves. We talk about it in terms of processing how the bad behavior affected us individually and stay away from trying to imagine his reasons for the behavior because honestly, it does not matter. The partner needs to have her back.. My sister is dating a guy, and there are toxic family problems there; so much so that they broke up over those stresses once and then got back together. ), Rats! My advice to you is to tell your fiance, The way we are dealing with your family isnt working for me, and its not working for you, either, since it leads to fights where you call me a bitch and otherwise act like a jerk. An idea might be to go, Boyfriend, I love you very much and I realize that both of us have been in abusive situations. You go on ahead and hang out with them, Ill make other plans.. Hi LW. Help out. YES. The other two examples were better. If my family were behaving this way to you, how would you want me to behave in response to that? Abuse is, as we all know, often cyclical, and while your fella is to be commended for seeking therapy and trying to heal, he IS verbally and emotionally abusive. that quiet coffee shop with comfy armchairs?). You dont have to go to family events. Dont have them to your house, or at the very least not without sufficient notice for you to have other plans away from the house. What I have seen over the years, is that as much as my Mom has suffered because of her family, and as much as she has come to see just how screwed up they are, they are still family. Im not entitled, I just think I deserve this.. Parents usually fall into swapping regularly with one or two other families they feel comfortable with and whose kids are compatible ages/temperments with theirs. But we dont owe each other the rest of our lives as payment. My Moms family is screwed up, and I wish she had cut ties with some of them, but they werent outright abusive or anything, so it wasnt so bad. Mental health problems? Its hard and its a skill, and Im glad Id developed it already. But thats a false dichotomy. . But if they do sit, the babysitter gets credit for so many hours, while the person whose kid(s) needed watching gets a debit (theres one recordkeeper; people call/e-mail/text their hours to the record keeper). Which btw is NOT screwed up thinking, its pretty goddamned rational and an accurate risk assessment (ahem). Having survived six years in a relationship with someone with a horribly toxic and dysfunctional family, a few concrete things to try/think about. This sexy nickname was coined by American comedian Lily Tomlin! Just something to ask up front if its important to you. and he may have helped you a very great deal in the past, but thats still an abusive household. However, I dont think Im the only person who noticed or was willing to call it abuse, and never indicated that I was. Between post pardum and that I got very close to suicide. When I told Mom that Dad had molested me, she hung up on me and then called me back to yell at me for burdening her with the information. His own suffering is not an excuse to inflict it upon others. Stop trying. I imagine you could form your group by putting up notices at the library, local playgroups, and/or your pediatricians office. The way I know Im in a healthy, happy relationship now and wasnt before is that my relationship is no longer a source of stress. And if she hadnt admitted she essentially allowed her children to be horrifically abused because she couldnt admit to her mother she was wrong, I would assume it was the same. Oh not in an on purpose, Im going to axe murder you sort of way but in a Im going to get drunk and high and negligent sort of way. He may be in the process of trying to acknowledge the painful truth about his family, or he may be in capital-D Denial and not willing to face it. Being around him is never fun. Dont say let me ask Sheep if we can do X Tell them youll call them back after weve discussed it youre allowed to say Ill get back to you when they ask you something. He didnt. He was actually the one who suggested couples therapy, and I was a bit reluctant believing that if you need couple therapy before youre actually married, then you are in a doomed relationship (I dont believe this anymore), but I agreed and even said I would set it up for us. The non-abusive partner is often in a situation where she (sometimes he) cannot winfamily pressure, boundary violations, and courts siding with the abuser and accusing the non-abusive parent of lying or trying to alienate the kids. inadvertent HTMLfail. My parents were Scapegoat and her partner. These behaviors are truly and categorically fucked up! He had to make an EFFORT to make this relationship pleasant enough to stay in and also get a job. LW, Im going to take you at your word that your guy is wonderful. His family atmosphere is probably originally responsible for that, and is certainly aggravating that, butwell, the separate-relationships thing goes both ways. I know you said your partner is very resistant to couples therapy, but I think that might be the answer here. Another 5 years? 2. The chairwoman of the Senate Commerce Committee called for an inspector general investigation into the US Coast Guard in the wake of revelations of systemic mishandling of sexual assault . Going through stuff, and working through stuff is what sharing life with a partner is about. This comment was awesome. Slowly over time, his behavior shaped in the right direction. Im sure a lot of his bad treatment of you is based on what he thinks relationships should be like, and also fitting in, in a way theyre mean to you and so is he, or theyll be worse to him than they already are. I was right there with you, LW, right up untilwait, he does WHAT?? Everyone deserves a partner who will be there when the going gets tough. Youre demanding superhuman things. It was an unmitigated disaster. Youre expecting superhuman things of mothers who have been abused for years, not for themselves, but for kids. As in, *exactly* like your family to the point of *being* your family? I expect their last grandchild has a LOT to do with this, but I really dont care about their motivations. If I met him today, it probably wouldnt get past sex attempt #2. c) I know this isnt out of town, and this would be way better if it was, but you might try to casually leave for a few minutes and run an errand. Im going to paraphrase myself here, as I said something like this to another LW, buthes showing you in full, technicolor glory how little you mean to him and how unimportant your safety and your well-being is to him. I had to wade through some of why are you being such a bitch? from her for a while, but I stuck to my guns and it went away. In other words: if fiance is always going to be shitty to LW about his family, than his family needs to disappear from her life and their shared life, and she can keep the non-awful majority of him. If, for example, Mr. Other Becky developed a serious health problem, the attendant stress would make it impossible for me to be my best self, but I would stick by him and do whatever it took. But I think sometimes it really is one of the best ways to create some much-needed distance, and allow yourselves much more focus on your primary relationship. Yeah. Dont talk. And I always will. While you shouldnt vent about them to him (because this is going to put him in a place where he feels he needs to be defensive), you do not have to like them at all. Very best of luck to you. I am the second spouse. Share anything and theyll tell anyone. You dont have to call it abuse if you dont want to, but you do need to know really, deep-down know that theyre not okay, and that he needs to stop if youre going to stay with him. I love this comment, and the whole this belongs to you attitude. My wife had a not-so-healthy relationship with her family (primarily that they made a lot of decisions for her, set her up to fail constantly and then tell her that this validated them making decisions for her in the first place. And if he asks when youll see them again, well the answer is obvious: when I feel like I can trust them to treat me well and trust you to protect me properly. Were friendly now, were both with new partners who make us much, much happier. Resist the temptation to call too frequently. You fear your partner's ex is plotting to get back together (and will succeed). Let your partner do all the work of dealing with his family and smoothing things over. He was great and I loved him. I have separate relationships with both Partner and Partners Mother, and realizing that and implementing it by refusing to be dragged into the middle was a huge, HUGE relief. Now I grasp that he wanted me to feel guilty because he didnt want to feel guilty or because misery loves company. Im not a Savage Love fan, I dont think that anyone is stupid for staying with an abusive partner (particularly given how long I have stayed with abusive partners of my own), and I really only used the acronym because you did. A few things. LW, first off, I am so sorry. From now on, if you are having an emotional reaction that something is my fault, I would like you to keep it to yourself until you have thought it over rationally and talked to your therapist about it, and you are sure that its really fair to blame it on me. I wrote a long comment about leaving an important relationship and the powerful hold that ones first healthy relationship can have on one, and the reasons it can be okay to leave that relationship anyway, and its gone. So far youre not it. Im not saying you dump your partnerjust change the locks and give him a key. Well, sometime in the week prior to Thanksgiving, my Mom sent an offhand e-mail to me saying that my sisters plans had fallen through and she and her fiance weer flying in to my parents and then would drive over and everyone could be together for Thanksgiving and wasnt that just awesome. I always thought that I could change this based on something I could do myself: lose weight, wear trendier clothes, like cooler things, stop complaining, etc. He told me that it was my fault for taking it personally, and that I should give his family another chance, oh but dont come out to them because then they wont let me see you. Kids who are raised in explosive homes learn that stepping on eggshells is better than stepping out of line, and unfortunately this doesnt disappear when you move out of the house. My husband agreed to field my emails from his mom and only mention them to me if they were of real importance, but I think you can do this without your fiances agreement too. You need someone on your side. I was tired of them treating me that way, but it was a lot easier to stand up for my Great Guy (and eventually our kids) than it was for myself. Do you know what changed? We think, But Ive worked so hard and built this relationship, and if I end it, I will have wasted X years of my life. You will not get this time back. As such, I dont complain about her sister anymore. They glare at him, cut him out of the conversation, pretend hes not there. When this was me (alcoholic abusive parents-in-common-law, siblings-in-common-law who called me stupid, fat, and more) and he would not seek help (because therapy is for losers) then I got counselling for myself (trying to fix myself?) And really glad you ran. Sometimes people who are doing everything right find themselves in totally FUCKED situations. MIL admits it was an abusive situation, and that she had multiple opportunities to get them out (grandma fought for custody for almost a decade), but she would rather have and abusive situation than admit to her mother she was wrong to marry him. MisPrism, that gem just reminded me exactly why I was so happy a few days ago when I noticed you commenting here! Texting each other isn't awkward anymore. (All this conversation also happened during months 3-6 of our relationship, when we were setting up the structure of us long-term anyway, so a lot of conversations like this were happening.) Leave the situation. Your decision is your decision. Itd probably be harder for your partner to do the same, since there are so many more bad elements involved. What can we do to make it better? Example: I am a great big introvert.
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