I want to save my marriage but he doesnt want to end his affair with her, he wants to see if they work out in the public setting, all they know is hiding out . Now I find out (after the divorce papers which I still havent signed and it has been 6 mo at the time of this posting) has been seeing someone else. I know about her and when he sees her or text her. I agree with you that he is depressed. First thing to do, before anything else, is to forgive yourself. And why? Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 . It's natural to wonder if your narcissistic ex is over you and moving on or if they're moving over to the next relationship because they never cared. Calling him, texting him, and trying to convince him that youll change is a huge mistake. I have been with my husband for almost 18 years and married for almost 16 and we have twin daughters who are 11 daughters weve certainly had issues in the past, I mean what marriage doesnt. I dont know what to do from here. Trust your life process. I drained all our bank accounts and told him he could not live with me and be having an affair with her. A mistress becomes the new love of his life and he leaves you for her. He could come back to you and apologize and wish to date you again. He didnt go to her that night and I went to bed cause I had to work next day. You can see what I mean in my post about how to use marriage separation to save your marriage, here: He said I was everything he always wanted. How can I get him to love me again? Im going through something similar myself. He said I can hold him on tbe fact tbat he said that next at this time we will still be together. so I am working on maintaining our friendship for now as he agrees that this has not been damaged. Of course, if he wants you back at any point, you have the freedom to either allow him into your life again or refuse to. We have a child together so we will always be intertwined with one another. Give it a little time, its sinking it. But he still spends weekend time with this new chick. He may have regrets even if he is happy with his decision. We also have 4 children. I confronted her and she made it clear she had no intention of stepping back. 3. Right before he got on bipolar meds he was at his lowest point. He says he still loves me and is still in love with me but loves her too. Dress to impress, let him know that you are going out. Seeing a new man would not be cheating on him or breaking your vows, since you are separated. But am now sticking to no contact. The OW knew he was married but moved in on him anyway. Thats a huge wake up call to deal with, I know. This behavior had never happened before. I have to see him a lot because he comes to see the kids for a bit during the keed too, but we dont really talk. This afternoon however someone in the office has complained about her being on the phone and making arrangements about Xmas Eve and Xmas Day with my husband, which was within earshot of me and they didnt think it was necessary to put me through any more pain and anguish. #trinity #christian #worship #praise #church #trinity #mission #prayer #jesus #music #hymns I just want the chance to go to counseling together and find out where it went wrong. Ive come to the point where Im ok with whatever direction we go in. For example, you need to know how you will continue to pay the bills, raise your kids, and handle all of your other responsibilities. My husband and I have always been affectionate towards one another so having him be cold and distant are so hard and hurtful but I decided to give him the space he felt he needed. One of the hallmarks is . As hard as this may be to realize, no one can keep someone who really wants to go. Anything I ask he tells me, he lets me know when he is seeing her, I called him last week end and he said he was with her and staying at her place for the night, Then when he comes home Its like he is all about me. You are left on the sideline staring into a blackened crater as they roar off into the distance {often astride a new Harley motorbike with a much younger woman on the pillion }. I went to the dr and got on to medication and counseling to help myself and he said he was going to go to counseling. It can be really tough to face the breakdown of your marriage, particularly as you will have to do most of it alone. Answer (1 of 10): My husband and I moved to a smaller house in January 2007. I'll bet that's what you thought when your spouse, Should you confront the other woman? Like love, regret is a complicated emotion. Since this is not the first time he has been cheating, like you suspect, I would consider trying to moving on with my life, even if you love him and want him back. In the meantime, he will continue to see her. 2. This is just my opinion though, and I hope it helps. I talked him through it and said I knew and talked him through it and talked him into going to the hospital. The reason though doesnt matter. These steps have to be taken immediately. Its been two months since hes left. Hang in there, I think that he is on the right track, just needs more time. I hope and pray Eric returns home and leaves that other woman. Now i know he is either still seeing her or someone new as i checked his emails and saw an email for a weekend away for 2. But he is not planning to marry her as my husband said he no longer believes in marriage nor living together to keep love alive. He is now renting a flat and says that shes not in the picture shes not interested anymore but I dont know if hes just playing mind games with me and hes still interested in her..I want him back but he said he needs to be on his own. Any other advice about my whole situation is appreciated. He decided to leave. Our 5 children were grown and had left home. September 27, 2015 he decided he needs space because we have been arguing about his family and our relationship,we were not communicating right. I think that from what youve told me, your husband is in the middle of the classic midlife crisis affairis she much younger than him by any chance? I am devestated. I feel your pain. Wife Abandonment Syndrome is when a man leaves out-of-the-blue from what his wife believed to be a happy stable marriage. This is an empowering act of acceptance because you are taking charge of the situation to prevent if from dragging out. He was cuddling me, kissing me and told me straight to my face that he didnt want to loose me and he was scared to loose me. Hes in love with the addiction. He said it got nothing to do with her. This resulted in her being taken into the office and then told she would have to work from another location. My biggest fear is he will spend all his savings on gambling and hit rock bottom as he would have lost everything when that happens. So, when it unfortunately happens, it takes a minute to accept that he is gone. He swears he isnt but things arnt adding up. How awful. It may sound weird to you, but I would stop fighting with your husband and instead focus on getting a job, some kind of a job that can help you regain your financial indipendence, so you can make a decision on your own, without being dependant on him for survival. Hi no I am not detached. And although he didnt have any feelings he wanted for us to be together. That those feelings cant ever come back. People have said that he has got to see he has a problem and want to help himself first but i dont believe that at all.. Please help, It seems to me that you husband wants to have it all Have a wife and a home, and another woman on the side. He went through the police academy and has been having a hard time getting a police job. Ive become concerned because i overheard him talking to her about having a child together. He behaves entirely differently when hes with her. I believe that separation is actually a good way to (sometimes) save a marriage, id treated the right way. Do you just hate the idea of being divorced and lonely? Do You Really Want Him Back After His Midlife Crisis? He and a team of expert writers produce authentic, honest, and accessible advice on relationships, mental health, and life in general. article continues after advertisement. You may also not feel comfortable talking about your true feelings to those closest to you. Does this mean hes feeling something? We moved from a 3 to a 2-bedroom house. I would propose that a much better approach would be to accept the situation for what it is, assume they are not coming back, lean into Christ as the source of strength, and get on with your life. In my humble opinion, if you want to have even a small chance of him coming back home, you have to stop having sex with him (most importantly) and stop being available to him whenever he wants to talk or text. What you should do instead is focus on building up your self-esteem which will have undoubtedly taken a knock from all this. I have been married to my husband for 21 years. ( Read: how to overcome his midlife crisis affair). You can offer to stay friends, but if he can be intimate with you AND the other woman Why would he ever choose? He had been suffering from a deep depression. He may have fallen out of love with you or fallen in love with someone else. He is in a state, and you may want to remember that. When a day later I attempted to give him positive news from my end, he just asked about the divorce, cause he needed financial aid as he and her were going to live together. He is treating her kids almost as his own from what I have seen. I have copied her email down and am looking at emailing her telling her the truth about everything as i know my husband has been lieing to her with what exactly has been happening between us, which i was then hoping she would then leave him. Forgiveness doesnt mean you have to forget what he did, or say it was okay. Is there a long-term marriage that can compete with that? That you have the qualities of a great partner to someone new whenever that person may enter your life. i am so ashamed that my marriage has become a cliche and I feel like i dont have options. He told me he had told her of his feelings but they werent reciprocated. After your husband has left you, your mind might be racing with all the things you have to figure out. Does she have no consideration for her kids?! It has nothing to do with fighting, its about validating him and accepting him the way he is, so it takes the pressure off him. Make sure you remove all of his belongings from your home first by allowing him to take whatever he still wants to keep, and then by throwing the rest out or giving it to charity. Nothing is ever hopeless! how-to-save-marriage.org is a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for website owners to earn advertising fees by advertising and linking to amazon.com, endless.com, smallparts.com, myhabit.com, and any other website that may be affiliated with Amazon Service LLC Associates Program. He started talking to me more and then he broke down telling me that he had feelings for her and that hes tried to ignore them for years that he feels like shit and how he wants to end it. Hi Lisa, I know its extremely hard, but I would let him play this out, until he wakes up one morning and feels like all of this was a dream. But forgiveness is not for him; its for you. He has admitted he has PTSD and other issues but then other days he says he doesnt. Then let him go and let yourself go Surrender and you will feel the amazing relief and freedom. He says he is going to make an effort to call me at least everday to show me that he loves me. I found out while he was on a trip with her i called him, told him i knew he hung up on me, i tried to speak to him for the next 24 hours i did text him and her no threats nothing of the sort , just telling her she was walking a marriage, and that until she appeared we had not talked divorceits been a week and im raw with emotions the Monday after I found out i went to my lawyer and counter the divorce and we have now cited adultery 24 hours after I found out.. i went no contact with him i have blocked every option of contact, including social mediai only know he is still in Europe and we have our first court appearance in April 24 ive ben told by my therapist he will crash from this manic state, and that this love for this woman is not real he has told her exactly what he told me when we met im heartbroken, scared, not sure what I truly feel part of me wants my husband desperately back ,other part wants to run as fast as i can from him our son is almost 13 snd he has refused to answerhis father text or calls i have asked him to talk to his dad, but he flat out refuses.so much turmoildo you think i can get him back if I decide to? I asked if there were another woman but he completely denied it. We have now agreed not to talk about her. Here is the problem. It took her only 3 days after our separation to give him permission to kiss her and a week to have sex. I try not to call or text him because I want to give him the space he needs. Its only been a few weeks but during that time I was seeing red flags that there is another woman in his life and seeing that he wont admit it I decided to snoop and found messages on his Facebook to prove that he is seeing someone else! Any fear Financial or otherwise. When I confronted him, he said he had slept in her bed with her, but they had not had sex, he just bought the condoms in the event that they did. And the separation was not through paperwork just something he thought we needed.but in order for me to show him he needs to be herenot sure what to do? I am so confused on what to do? The whole thing seemed hopeless. This mat be the case with your husband. Then he tried squeezing more money out of me, despite him leaving me with a huge debt. They dont express this to them, but have come to me to say they dont like seeing her with him. I know this is so wrong, but I am willing to wait for him because I love him so much and want to keep our family together.. He was teary and told me I was brave, but this didnt change he way he felt. Its important from the get-go to remember that you do not own your husband and you never did. He wont admit it, because he is probably not aware of it. Im here if you want to keep me updated, Ill do my best to help. About 2 months ago he came clean about his affair. He feels bad about his behavior. I begged for us to get counseling and he said it wouldnt help and I wouldnt change he was not good at communicating and kept everything inside I found out he moved on and never even told me he said that I should know thats what happens if you treat somebody that way please help me I feel like my life is a constant nightmare what can I do please help! Just be his friend and let him know you want to be his friend. Ive saw been going to church and counseling every week, Ive invited him but he refuses. He is also in the Army National Guard. I thought Id update since it has been over a year since my husband left. Since then his drinking has consumed him, and he is now in rehab getting help. What do I do now and how do I act with my husband? So he came back angry with me and telling me he was going to push for a divorce. He tells me often that there is a reason why we are still communicating like we do. He got some issues to deal with, lost his mum at 13, and never had any counseling for it. We sometimes have sex. Up until he actually did leave, he kept saying he was gunna leave but never did until now. Also he has been heavily gambling these past few months. I agree with your therapist, this is way too impulsive to be real. Now we still live together we are not wven talking about getting separated or him leaving or wven divorce. Today he finally admitted that he is having an affair with his assistant. My partner of 10 years just left me and our family(16 year old daughter and a three year old daughter) for another woman who is younger than me, skinnier. Get your husband back. Weve known each over 20 years, been together for 14 of those and only got married 18 months ago. The 16 Best Being Ignored Quotes, Sayings & Images, The 10 Important Questions to Ask a Cheating Spouse. I am convinced shes trying to control both of us and though she has her meat hooks into my husband, I dont want her to fool me any longer. Like he did last night, rang me for a quick couple of minutes to tell me something. I see he is in love with her and treats me like he is a different person. I still loved him very much but was scared to get hurt again. He says he needs time but also wants his family. And rather than being strong, isnt it just another way of directing the weakness? I think you know what this means, it seems like hes telling her to wait until he can leave you. he said give me a week. I believe i know my husband better then everyone else. You can use this time to focus on yourself, restoring your life, figuring out (again) who YOU are and what you really want. The day after she left she came to my house to tell me teary eyed she was going to end it with him. I know some will say he is having his cake etc but I just wanted some honest info. My daughter also contacted her mum which made matters worse. But that he still loves me more. I am going to try my best but it seems worse everyday. Hes with our three year old son today and his reactions are totally different then they have been. I see them both everyday and see them face book messengering and email each other all the time.