When this issue came up again and again later (she tried to say she would help as I wished), I said ''NO'' over and over because I just felt in my heart of hearts that it would not work. But I know it's an emotional time and a tricky situation. They left dirty glasses and dishes out, never washed or cleaned, never cooked or picked up after themselves. You need to do what you feel comfortable with and not worry about their feelings right now. My husband and I feel frustrated by it but feel its important to hold our ground and follow the advice of our pediatrician. And Id be fine with that! Perhaps their POV is that the danger of the vaccine outweighs its benefits, but your primary job is to protect your child; it's not to please your in-laws. His family is geographically closer, and mine already had seven grandkids. 4. April 5, 2021. In the case of long-distance caregivers, the notion of moving can seem like a solution to the problem of not being close enough to help.For some caregivers, moving a sick or aging parent to their own home or . There is a lot going on after baby arrives and it will be exhausting! Allow yourself to be pampered. I appreciated this honest exchange between us, where I stated my needs and expectations and she stated hers. Science is not selectively believable. I remember those couple of months after our daughter was born (almost 17 months ago) sooooo well! How long are grandparents going to visit if they are coming to stay after the baby is born? By Danielle Johnston Published. Three years later, when I was pregnant with my son, I made a much stronger stand: no out-of-town visitors for a month and very few local visitors for two weeks. No you won't feel like entertaining. Stand your ground! I had so hoped that her first grandchild would magically break down the emotional barrier that's always been such a source of pain for me. If they think not meeting their grandchild is less important than taking a shot, their loss. Been there, done that & never again. Also, I will make clear from the start that my house is not a hotel and that I wont be cooking and cleaning for other than me and my baby. I felt ( in hindsight) that it was the best of both worlds. I suggest trying to provide her with the best advice and help you can give her while keeping the emotional distance that you need in order to maintain your own inner comfort at this delicate time in your life. Be nice, but be firm--tell her that you want her to visit, but that you think you will need your space after the birth. It was exhausting. Its their choice to not get vaccinated, and its your choice to protect your baby. Cut off the conversation if she insists on arguing. This is what I did: when my mother repeatedly insisted that she wanted to present for our baby's birth and stay at our home, I made a list for her of exactly what I expected from her. Your mother in law should absolutely stay in a hotel, and be advised that a couple of hours of visiting per day is more than enough for a new mom and baby pair. Her visiting mother-in-law greeted her with a pat on the stomach and the immortal words "you didn't lose much weight," and the visit went downhill from there to the moment when the lentil soup that Grandma insisted on making in the pressure cooker exploded all over the house. Tell everyone that you want a 'babymoon period' of 'X' weeks & then you would welcome vistors. We have no family in the Bay Area, and all the grandparents, aunts and uncles came to visit (and stay with us) the first month after my baby was born. = Can someone closer to the grandmother perspective explain why this is so = hard for her? They ended up making reservations for 10 days after the due date (!) Try to find whats most important to them and use that as a motivator. Molly - I had the same thing happen, and was very nervous about all the visitors. knows from experience, My husband and I had three weeks alone at home with our new baby. You're going to be exhausted and trying to focus on your baby and you don't need company to entertain or worry about. Acknowledge to her the importance of grandparents, and invite her for that date or later, but not one day earlier. And tell her exactly how many days would work for you for her to visit (i.e. During this time I would welcome someone to help with cooking, laundry, cleaning and holding the baby, but this should be someone with whom you can totally relax. You simply tell them that you think your house is too small for everyone's comfort, including your own. Not "believing in immunizations" is a tough one because facts don't tend to change people's minds, unfortunately. What to Expect supports Group Black Opens a new window and its mission to increase greater diversity in media voices and media ownership. Best of luck navigating this situation! My mom actually ended up reading some articles (I wish I could remember where she got them) about being a new grandparent, and thankfully the articles confirmed that new families ''these days'' often like to bond in the early days without grandparents around, and not to be offended. Whenever I mention any current theory about colic or sleep, she grows dismissive, unwilling to acknowledge that her own methods were clearly rooted in the theories of her time. He doesnt understand the concept of our mothers coming to stay after birth. If you think that time alone with just you, your spouse, your other child, and your new baby is what you need, then that's all that needs to be said. Hot water heaters? We'll see you tomorrow at Z o'clock. As is, one needs a booster shot every 10 years to protect against pertussis - have your parents had the shot or the booster in that time? Also, if it'd make you feel better, consider having her stay at an inexpensive hotel nearby (or maybe with another one of your siblings/friends if they live in the area) instead of her staying with you in your 2-bedroom home you could explain that she'll be more comfortable there because your home is now such close quarters, etc. And just being with the baby will be entertainment for them. Hi, I have been in your shoes, exactly. When you welcome a new baby into your life, you may also be welcoming a grandma or two into your guest room. Your emotions are so whacked out when you first have the baby, and I think the company is a good thing. Or is it likely to cause more stress? You're a mom who's trying to the best for herself and her family and that's just what you should be doing. We were strict about Tdap and flu shots. Have him talk to other dads who've been through this!! Been There. My mom lives 2 miles away. At first, Lucy, of Springfield, Virginia, mother of a 2-year-old, was driven to distraction by her mother-in-law's hesitancy. We too had a small 2 bedroom one bath and all of my husbands side of the family staying with us when they visited. My mother will come out again by herself about 5 weeks after the baby is due, and she will stay with us then- I know that she will truly help, and one person at that time feels doable. jami. i have had vaginal births and always feel pretty decent after having my babies,and. = What can I say to her? I think making it a blanket statement to everyone and not to specific people made them feel like it was not personal and that we were acting in the best interest of our child. Good luck! If they agree to this, it could actually work very well for you. My mom came later and stayed very briefly and that worked out fine. Good luck! yeah, both cant fit. And hell no would we be driving anyone around when we have a newborn to bond with. When our baby was due in July, my parents came to stay -- not in our house, thank goodness -- to ''help.'' Nearly four years ago . My other point is that my parents would be perfectly fine staying in an Airbnb, driving themselves around, etc but with his mom she would need to be picked up from the airport, chauffeured places, and would expect to stay with us in the apartment which is a lot when well be busy connecting with our baby. You should notendanger your infant in order to indulge their false beliefs about vaccine safety. I guess I would ask, do you expect everyone who comes into contact with your baby to be vaccinated, because if so, that's just not going to happen. I think you'll just have to hope that their desire to see their grandkid will be strong enough to convince them to do it. They reflect both a manipulative streak (don't feel selfish for not giving in) and a deep need to get professional help. Good luck! Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. I have heard so many horror stories about this situation and I decided I had to be very firm with my own parents and my in-laws that they shouldn't plan on staying at our house (and in one case even visiting) after our baby was born. I'm sorry you have to deal with it! Feb 15, 2022 If not, put your foot down and say you just can't have guests right after the birth, but they're welcome to come a few months later. However, it would probably be an immense help for *you*, in dealing with this very difficult and stressful situation, to get some professional counselling yourself. If, however, they want to be treated like pampered guests who hold the baby when she's awake but hand her back to you for diapering, then suggest that they wait until she's a little older. I have 2 other children, dogs, cats and a husband AND a new babyI dont want to entertain or feel obligated (ima "dont worry I'll do it" type of gal). I was anxious as to how much attention I could give them with a new baby coming. = But now she's started to call me and scream at me about how cruel I'm = being to her, how petty and immature I am, etc. Joan, Based on my limited experience, one month after birth is the good time to get ''help'' from those relatives. Ugh. However, make sure you're not being prejudiced against your in-laws (vs. your own family). I believe that you have the right to ask your mother to wait a few weeks before arriving after the baby is born. I have read a lot of articles in magazines about turning people away when you have a baby and while some people are not very sensitive or helpful, my experience is that most people understand that you need help and not more work. try to stand your ground in thoroughly neutral ways. But I think its very important to do what you want. And, I think that you are quite wise to be concerned about your relatives' intentions to stay with you shortly after the birth. You, not he, are the one having the baby! I encourage you to stand firm, and do what you know is best for you -- whatever that is Moms know what's right for their children and their families -- they really do. You'll have an easier time of it going forward if you can get rest and recover now. I have offered friends the advice that unless you are comfortable sleeping in the same bed with whomever is coming to ''help'' then don't have them come until after the first five weeks. You can spend all day nursing a new born! The baby was in our room and not using his anyway so that wasn't a problem. In response, she said, ''That doesn't sound like very much fun!'' after delivery. )?, won't I be up all night and not really into entertaining?, do you feel like having guests is too overwhelming or is great for sharing your new baby?, will I be more sane if I really push the hotel thing?? visitors was a good one trying to be non-personal. You're not dealing with a reasonable person. So, he ended up talking to her (we thought she would be less likely to discount his opinion) and explaining that while we wanted her to come, it was really important to us that we had time to bond as a family so that we could get used to the new dynamic of three. Results: The mean age of decedents was 83.3 9.0; 59.1% were female, and 81.5% were white. We made it clear that we did not expect to be waited on and we did laundry, cooked meals and took care of some things around the house. Oldest First LynneSb Apr 22, 2020 at 5:18 AM ugh, a sticky one! If you don't feel comfortable asking, definitely have your husband ask if ''grandma'' can do the laundry. Even though they're acting in opposite ways, both women are failing to read your cues, and at heart they may both be struggling with similar conflicts about their usefulness. Instead of thinking of all the work having family guests will be, think instead of how much help they will be while you just rest -- let them take care of you and it will make them happy to be helpful. When clashes arise, Mary Jane DeWolf-Smith, founder of Family Works in San Rafael, California (and herself a grandmother), encourages a new mother to defuse them by acknowledging that the methods she's chosen do not reflect a judgment of the grandmother's parenting. Your doctor can provide you with documentation if you are still working. In our case, we had turned our second room into a nursery, but we hadn't yet eliminated the twin bed there. (She's even threatening suicide.) After the birth you are meeting your baby, falling in love and learning to feed him or her. It is your child and your responsibility to do what you think is best for that child. Hubbys mom also wants to be here. Im thinking of asking my parents if they can just get an Airbnb or something close by, that way theyll be around when its time to give birth, they can come over and hang out when the baby is here each day of their visit, but then leave when I need space. When the baby is born my husband gets 5 weeks off. I am sure this helped me not being too uptight about the house being clean enough. Just tell them if they want to see the baby they have to provide proof of vaccination. By 2 months, baby's last nap should be ending by 6:30pm. "The length of time for visits will . I am very independent and dont like people in my business. We went through this too with our first kid. 6 How Do . I actually mentally decided that if they were there to help, then that is exactly what i would let them do. You might want to check around and read the discussions on this issue. I highly suggest that if your in laws or your family come to visit you set the expectations for their visit. My mother only lives an hour away and I did allow her and an aunt to come visit briefly (1/2 hour) at the hospital the day after the baby was born. all goes well, you might be able to have another convo with the pediatrician where you explain the situation and get their opinion based on your baby's age and health. If you don't feel like you can press them any further, I'd definitely screen them for symptoms before they come visit. think twice before sharing personal details, foster a friendly and supportive environment, remove fake accounts, spam and misinformation, delete posts that violate our community guidelines, reviewed by our medical review board and team of experts. Im sure grandparents would feel awful, too. Yes, there will some amount of sucking up that you will have to do, but don't be a martyr. Tell them youd love for them to see and meet their grandchild, and that anyone who comes to your home or holds the baby (or whatever the boundary is that youve set up) will have needed to have their vaccine. Keep in mind that spit up is normal in newborns as their digestive systems develop. My parents came from NY to stay with us and were wonderful house guests. Even so, try to limit the time as much as possible. Good luck! The mean length of stay among decedents was 13.7 months; however, this was explained by a relatively small number of subjects with long lengths of stay. They have not come yet, and our daughter is 2 months old. Oof, this is so hard. You need space and privacy to recover in my opinion. She really is helpful. Don't allow anyone, even your mother, to take that away from you. Mil says she has as much rights as I do. The next stage is after four months. I would be so pissed. Our visitors are planning on staying with us in our small two-bedroom, one-bath house. If shes coming to hold/feed baby and youll be having to do the household chores and also try to compete for time with baby then Id pass! One tactful way to suggest she not be there immediately is to point out that the due date is only an estimate. But if it is not, then you have to see how much you value their need to see your child after 1 month, or if it can wait, say, 2 months, for your peace of mind. Our families live back east and are already planning various visits during the first days and weeks of baby's life. My mother-in-law was the same way. It sucked! Good luck to you! Whatever you choose to do just remember, this is YOUR time with YOUR new family You have to do whats best for you even if that means possibly upsetting others. Laura Dern, right, and her mother Diane Ladd have adapted a series of their conversations into the new book Honey, Baby, Mine. You have the right (and duty) to protect your child. Thats what Im gonna aim for with my parents . There is also an increasing number of individuals under the age of 65 with 11 percent of the total . That said, you might also be able to finesse this situation with time. I had two blissfully quiet, peaceful, bonding weeks with my newborn baby and when my parents arrived a month later, I felt very settled with him, aware of his needs and patterns, and able to care for him, my daughter, and myself before fretting about entertaining my parents. Do you know when your baby is due for sure (i.e. They dont believe in vaccines? Beyond that, amazing though my mama is, I want my home, my husband and my kids to get into a swing of life on our own. I don't see how this is delicate unless you are depending on the grandparents for money or childcare. You might also consider suggesting to her that she visit for a brief time when the baby comes, and then prepare a more extended visit after a couple of months have passed and you aren't so overwhelmed by hormones, sleeplessness, and a passionate desire to hold your own baby. honestly, the worst thing we did after having our first baby was allowing family to stay at our house. Learn more about, What to Do if Your Baby Is Waking Up in the Middle of the Night, Learn About What to Expect's Pregnancy & Baby App. When the baby woke in the middle of the night she rocked her for hours so my husband and I could get some sleep. Robin Arzn Is On A Mission To Raise Resilient Kids With Her New Book, Strong Baby. I would make the point that their doctor is not your kid's pediatrician. My mom is a very nasty judgmental women. It hurts her deeply to be left out, but she demands so much attention on her visits, I just can't have her here. Good luck to you! 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. In the meantime they can always FaceTime. Here's how to make the most of it. No discussion neccessary. It was very helpful but her job was taking care of me, cleaning, and cooking. I felt I couldn't with her there.". Please, please: look after yourself and baby first! I think the approach you took of saying you weren't up to having any (out of town? Our daughter was born mid November so we had the double wammy of multiple holidays and the baby being born. I'd be very blunt, and say that without the vaccine they will not get to see the baby, period. My mom is less than 30mins away and his mom is about 45mins its not a long trip for either side. By the way, what really helped us was that my husband made a website with pictures and short films of our daughter and that I, particularly in the beginning, sent written updates on my daughters achievements (like the first time she sucked her thumb). Since your mother is so far away, how about taking some video of the newborn on the birth day and the day after, and then sending it to her by Federal Express so that grandma can see the baby as soon as possible. Good luck! *I* would have gone to a hotel! 14 Things to Consider When Planning for Pregnancy, This TikTok Grandma Has a Refreshing Take On Her Adult Child's Babysitting Instructions, 19 Black Motherhood Bloggers to Follow on Instagram, Building a Child Care Village Is HardHeres How You Can Do It, OITNB's Dascha Polanco on Single Motherhood Being Enough. In other words, what if you suspect their presence is likely to add to the stress of those heady, early days rather than reduce it? I decided that it was ok if they new beforehand that this was not going to be a hotel experience and that we expected them to help around the house. You need to think of your health and the welfare of your family first. I think you need to have a very direct conversation with your in-laws, and make the expectations very clear. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. etc but something inside me just told me that I wanted that time with only my husband, me, and our baby so we could all get to know one another together -- with just the three of us. A lot is going to change! The immediate post-partum time is a great time to get used to the fact that you need help raising your kids. When dinnertime rolls around, do not participate in the discussion about what everyone will eat except to offer up what you have already frozen. Amy, You have every right to insist on privacy during this critical time! It's the most important thing of all that the three of you have time together. I, however, would say she's insufferably smug. Its your choice. You can pick whatever age you are most comfortable with. On average, that's about every 2 to 3 hours. However, you have to start with the assumption that she'll be her usual self and arrange the visit to play to her strengths. When shes here (though I love her dearly), its like having another child to pick up after, feed and entertain. Motherhood Surviving Your Mom's First Postpartum Visit That first visit after baby's arrival can be a lifesaver or a nightmare. And certainly, without a doubt, there is nothing at all wrong with parents not wanting even the most calm and helpful of grandmas around right after their baby is born! My second child is due in a few weeks, and I am having a major conflict with my own mother. If not, Id work on that first. Your mother has big problems. She refused to come out if she couldn't stay with us, claiming that she was too busy. My husbandexplained the dangers of pertussis in infants to them and emphasized that we weren't making them get the vaccine- only that they would not be welcome to stay in our home (or visit at all) so soon after the birth without it. They all cooked, cleaned, shopped for groceries and watched the baby while I was able to take showers, nap, put away maternity clothes, write thank you cards, etc Maybe you should drop hints in the next few weeks about how nice it will be to have their help. If Grandma lives far away and assumes she will be welcome, suggest a long weekend rather than a full week. I experienced disgusting attitude and negligence at that hospital and it was my family member giving birth.I saw it first hand Normally, 4-month-old kids start weaning, so they don't depend on breastmilk too much like before. Anyway, I'm so so very glad that we were firm about it, because those two weeks were among the best of my life. However, I am the mom of 3 kids, with family both near and far, so here goes: 1. Susan, I need advice/conformation. Best wishes with your new baby. But theres also a difference between Im coming over for 10 days and Im gonna be living with you for a while. Nevertheless, after I had both of my babies, I desperately wanted peace and quiet and no visitors. As it was, I was sending my friends out of the door so that I could have some peace and quiet. One family may decide a move is right because the parents can no longer manage the home. We've got the parenting tips and information you need to raise a happy, healthy family. Our first child is going to be born any day now. If you're concerned that you are going to end up entertaining your in-laws, then I'd bet that is what is going to happen. Under the circumstances you describe, you are being absolutely reasonable in your limit-setting. First of all, the first few days of a baby's life are the most magical and precious. Flood her with pictures in the meantime. That's what's most important. it depends on your relationship with your mom. myself, my mom will be staying with my sister more than likely and doing visits. Your post will be hidden and deleted by moderators. Cut off conversations with her before you reach the point of losing control. Others don't have to agree or even respect it, but then you are more than allowed to say, "I'm sorry, no one will be meeting our new little one in their first 3 months (or whatever it is as I can't recall) of life who hasn't had their Tdap." April 2003 My husband told me that we cannot be the only ones with this concern/problem, so I am seeking your advice. But boy am I glad I went. December 2010. They just get in the way. My mom however is a if it needs doing, do it kind of person. Of course, as soon as we caved, she was here, and she was no help at all. Looking at recent statistics from the American Health Care Association, it shows that while over half of assisted living residents are 85 years or older, approximately 27 percent are between the ages of 75-84. I was comfortable saying no vaccine, no baby, but I know that doesnt work for everyone. What does your husband say? I swore that if I ever had another child I would not allow this to happen. Group Black's collective includes Essence Opens a new window, The Shade Room Opens a new window and Naturally Curly Opens a new window. Good luck! They had the baby, sent pictures to everyone announcing it, we waited two weeks for them to get settled, cause you need that time to get situated yourself, then we went out to help with the baby for just a week. This grandma is still not allowed to care for their baby at all. They also planned to bring my grandmother without telling me. So, my advice to you is to ask them if they are really willing to help, if so, you would like them to take over shopping and cooking and help you take naps. Perhaps you can explain to her that you would prefer some time to get familiar with the new baby, and to work out a routine. Honestly--you just say no. Group Leaders communicate with staff moderators and escalate potential violations for review, but they dont moderate discussions. The median length of stay was only 5 months (IQR 1-20). Love a happy, happy mom who survived the out-of-town guests with flying colors! My in-laws visited for a total of about 5 days and although they didn't stay with us, it sure felt like they did. Be empathetic and don't be personal. Only a real boor expects a new mom to entertain them when they show up on the doorstep. You can very politely insist that your out of town guests and family find other accomodations.